Shoulda, woulda, coulda.

You’d think that having a degree would make this essay writing malarkey a doddle…but 7 years after I graduated first time round I think it’s safe to say that I am a little lost.

Thursday is my ‘Study Day’ and by the time it was time to collect Little Man from nursery, I felt like I’d spent the previous two hours like a cat chasing it’s tail…I’ve done SO much reading but I still don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere fast! I sat and reflected on my Study day and my total inability to actually do some writing and I think I may have worked out what my problem is…I cannot bear to cock this up. When I got my results for my Psychology degree, I locked myself in the bathroom and sobbed for over an hour. I knew I should have worked harder and although I had passed, I knew there and then that I should and could have done better.

I have so many things driving me on this course, I’ve already mentioned my Grandma’s words in a previous post but on the flipside to that I will never forget one delightful ‘family’ member saying to me “I didn’t have you down as the academic type”. Firstly, OUCH and secondly, I would really love to nail this degree and put two fingers up to them and shout “I told you so” from the rooftops because I am childish like that. Anyone that knows me well will tell you that if someone tells me I can’t do something/doesn’t believe in me, it makes me damned sure I do!! The only downside of this is that I am now putting myself under a whole heap of pressure to not just pass this degree but do a bloody great job of it too…No more Desmond (Tutu)’s here!!!

So aside from the writer’s block I am experiencing, I am in a pretty good place right now. We’re heading back to Cirencester this weekend for the first time since we moved which is going to be lovely, but a little odd. I know it wasn’t THAT long ago but I already feel like I’m a different person than the one that left. The reason for heading back is that Little Man is turning TWO so we’re off to celebrate with some family and friends. I thought that as I’d found Litte Man turning 1 so odd and a bit difficult, this year would be a doddle but I am beginning to accept that I am going to get this weird, proud/nostalgiac/terrifiedbecauseitsgoingtoofast, every one of his birthdays. He’s already given us a great preview of what we’ve got to come in terms of the ‘Terrible Two’s’ which has been nice of him…specifically his need to shout “MUMMAAAAAAAAAAAY” if I dare leave his field of view, is worth a mention. I remember when I was so excited that he could say Mama…oh how times change. SO yes, a very exciting weekend to look forward to, lots of reunions but I am sure I will manage to sneak in some Uni work too, no rest for the wicked and all that!

Far from finished but here’s the crown so far!

One of my fellow students asked me this week what my hobbies were outside of the course and my automatic response was “parenting”! And it got me thinking, my life has basically become parenting, studying, parenting, repeat (with a tiny bit of TV watching), and maybe I should try and do something creative again so I don’t go totally insane. SO in honour of Little Man’s birthday I am attempting to make him a felt Birthday Crown. So far I have made a removable 2…best get cracking as I only have until Tuesday! And after that I am going to bring my knitting bag home so I can dabble in that again, hopefully.

Next week sees part two of my attempts to be a temporary ‘single parent’ as my lucky parents are going off on holiday again. This is great as it means a temporary break from bunking with Little Man but it does also mean I have to be a responsible parent by myself, swings and roundabouts! So be sure to check back in next week to see if my sanity is still intact.

 

 

2 thoughts on “Shoulda, woulda, coulda.

  1. obsessive.compulsive.mother. says:

    Also loving the crown! Great post Grace – it really reminds me of myself when I get writing block (which is basically constantly since I started blogging!). When I was at uni and had an essay due, I would read and read but put off writing, usually until the night before (poor show). I guess what I wish someone had said to me is ‘Just write something. Anything. Get something down on paper, then go from there’. Don’t know if it will help, but it’s just what I always think I should have done. I should take my own advice here… 😉
    I think I just always need that additional push and deadline pressure to perform, which isn’t ideal, but part of my personality I guess. My mum is the same, so I blame her!
    You are doing a fab job, and I’m loving reading about it 🙂 xx

    Like

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